I am 24 years old, (25 in november). What I am proud of accomplishing to this date are many things. I am proud that I have two very beautiful, strong, kind and smart daughters. I am proud that I finished high school and even though I changed schools maybe 5 or 6 times I was able to graduate with a 3.5 gpa. I am proud that I have been living happily for eight years now without medication. I am proud that I have always stood up for what I believe in and stood up for others. I am proud to be continue my education again.
For the next five years I have many goals. One goal I am planning to finish soon is to become a certified personal trainer and I should finish this goal by December. My next goal would be to start working in a gym and to help others accomplish their fitness goals. Some of my goals get in the way of other goals I would like to accomplish. I am undecided on wether to go back into boxing but it has always been a dream of mine to win a champion title at least once in professional boxing and to go to the olympics. I am also undecided on if I should have more kids, I want to have two more kids but at the same time that would deter me from other goals. I really want to move away from virginia but I am not sure where. And I would like to travel too but not really sure of where other than Ireland.
This course has really helped me to understand why and how people communicate in different ways. It has helped me to understand a lot about myself as well.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Journal #4
My last break-up I've had was back in 2005. My long time boyfried Khurram who I had been dating for about five years and I broke up because his family was going to force him to have an arranged marriage. We went to Burke Lake and he told me that he was engaged and he showed me a picture of her. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
Okay well before I get into the break up I think its only fair to talk about the good times. Our relationship was so amazing. Everytime I thought that I might not see him again We'd end up together even more. We met when I was fifteen and Khurram was 18, it was summer time and I was walking to the store I saw him driving out of the parking lot, I looked at him (thought to myself: Wow he's hot!) smiled at him and waved. He looked at me too but he looked like surprised and confused. I figured that it was stupid of me to have waved at him and I probably looked like an idiot. I went inside the store and he followed me in I guess because he was in their too but stayed a couple aisle's away. I bought a couple things I needed and left and while I was walking out of the parking lot he drove by and asked me if I wanted a ride. He'd only been in the country a couple months and he's english was horrible. He dropped me close to my house and we exchanged numbers.
We spent almost every second we could together. I ended up going to a boarding school out in Front Royal virginia two months after school started. I thought I would never see him again but when I called him from the school and told him he said he'd drive out every weekend and during the week if I could sneak out, and he did, he came every weekend. I came back to northern virginia the next school year and we ended up going to the same school my senior year I went to Bryant and I was surprised to see Khurram in the hallway between classes. He said he had to go back to highschool because he only went to tenth grade in Pakistan. He really didnt have to go to highschool he was already the manager at the pizza hut he was working at but he said that he really wanted to be a dentist. So he'd come by and pick me up and we drove to school together everyday and drove home and we'd sit outside the condo I lived at and studied together.
Okay so back to the break up. We were at Burke lake and little did I know what was going to happen. He seemed really depressed, he told me that his family wanted him to get engaged with this girl and that he couldnt marry me and make his family happy unless I was muslim. I was so angry with him Khurram was like me he never let anyone else tell him what to do so why was he doing it now. I was so upset and so angry and I didnt know what to do. By this time I was 18 and was going to NOVA and I knew that I was going to get kicked out once my grades came out. So I decided that if he could get engaged to someone else I could do the same thing. So I started dating other guys. Every new guy I met and dated was such a waste of time, no one could compare to Khurram and the more I dated the more I missed him and wanted him. I became so depressed I felt like I wanted to die. I figured that I could die without killing myself I would have someone else kill me. So I decided to join the Marine Corps and I knew all I had to do was ask to be stationed in Iraq and they'd send me.
I wish that I'd handled this better. If I had just called him and talked to him I would have found out that he'd decided not to have the arranged marriage and also that the girl rejected him when she saw his picture. By the time I found this out it was too late I had already signed all the paper work for the Marines.
I have seen Khurram a few times but he isnt the same anymore, time has made him angry and he's lost the spark and spontaneity. He never finished going back to school and I dont think he is happy. He runs his brother in laws halal store. I wish that he'd go and finish school and become a dentist, he really deserves to be happy.
Okay well before I get into the break up I think its only fair to talk about the good times. Our relationship was so amazing. Everytime I thought that I might not see him again We'd end up together even more. We met when I was fifteen and Khurram was 18, it was summer time and I was walking to the store I saw him driving out of the parking lot, I looked at him (thought to myself: Wow he's hot!) smiled at him and waved. He looked at me too but he looked like surprised and confused. I figured that it was stupid of me to have waved at him and I probably looked like an idiot. I went inside the store and he followed me in I guess because he was in their too but stayed a couple aisle's away. I bought a couple things I needed and left and while I was walking out of the parking lot he drove by and asked me if I wanted a ride. He'd only been in the country a couple months and he's english was horrible. He dropped me close to my house and we exchanged numbers.
We spent almost every second we could together. I ended up going to a boarding school out in Front Royal virginia two months after school started. I thought I would never see him again but when I called him from the school and told him he said he'd drive out every weekend and during the week if I could sneak out, and he did, he came every weekend. I came back to northern virginia the next school year and we ended up going to the same school my senior year I went to Bryant and I was surprised to see Khurram in the hallway between classes. He said he had to go back to highschool because he only went to tenth grade in Pakistan. He really didnt have to go to highschool he was already the manager at the pizza hut he was working at but he said that he really wanted to be a dentist. So he'd come by and pick me up and we drove to school together everyday and drove home and we'd sit outside the condo I lived at and studied together.
Okay so back to the break up. We were at Burke lake and little did I know what was going to happen. He seemed really depressed, he told me that his family wanted him to get engaged with this girl and that he couldnt marry me and make his family happy unless I was muslim. I was so angry with him Khurram was like me he never let anyone else tell him what to do so why was he doing it now. I was so upset and so angry and I didnt know what to do. By this time I was 18 and was going to NOVA and I knew that I was going to get kicked out once my grades came out. So I decided that if he could get engaged to someone else I could do the same thing. So I started dating other guys. Every new guy I met and dated was such a waste of time, no one could compare to Khurram and the more I dated the more I missed him and wanted him. I became so depressed I felt like I wanted to die. I figured that I could die without killing myself I would have someone else kill me. So I decided to join the Marine Corps and I knew all I had to do was ask to be stationed in Iraq and they'd send me.
I wish that I'd handled this better. If I had just called him and talked to him I would have found out that he'd decided not to have the arranged marriage and also that the girl rejected him when she saw his picture. By the time I found this out it was too late I had already signed all the paper work for the Marines.
I have seen Khurram a few times but he isnt the same anymore, time has made him angry and he's lost the spark and spontaneity. He never finished going back to school and I dont think he is happy. He runs his brother in laws halal store. I wish that he'd go and finish school and become a dentist, he really deserves to be happy.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Journal #3
My daughter Noora is my relationship, I've known her since before she was born. when I was about six months pregnant with her she would kick me all the time. She really liked to kick me in the bladder and I'd sort of poke back at her and after a while the kicks would come close to my pokes. Being pregnant was very difficult for me I lost thirty-fourty pounds in the first seven months and could really only keep down juices, tea, smoothies and water. when the period of not being able to eat was finally over after seven months it was quickly followed by hot flashes and extreme muscle cramps.
I was so excited to see my baby but she didnt want to come out so I had to be induced a week after my due date. She was born March 28 2007. The first three months were the hardest I was always tired and since I had a cesarean it was not easy doing everything myself. I could barely even walk. I spent almost every minute of everyday with Noora right next to me or in my lap. Every two hours changing diapers and breast feeding and then every four hours after a couple weeks. After three months its all routing and easy and I felt confident about everything. Noora was sitting up on her own by three months. At about five months she was rolling around she was always a very happy baby. At six months she started babling and making sound like she wanted to talk. She was walking at nine months and talking at eleven months.
Our relationship has always been for me to take care of her and teach her. We are not much a like she is very extroverted and a natural leader, sort of bossy towards other kids. She is now that she's three years old becoming somewhat stubborn and a little bit bratty. I feel like I have to spend a lot of time putting her on time out and saying no all the time. I really miss when she was one to two years old and she always needed and wanted me. Now it's always "I want daddy" and it really breaks my heart. I guess our relationship deintensified when I stopped breast feeding her when she was about 22 months old. I really regret doing that now and when I have my next child I will probably do things differently.
My daughter is very opinionated and will always tell you how she feels. She's not shy about much of anything. It's very obvious for whatever she's feeling, she doesnt hide her feelings.
Monday, July 5, 2010
My Identity
1. My parents have helped me to form most of my morals and beliefs.
2. People that I have met over my lifetime have helped me to form my outward attitude towards others. Since most of my life people have been mean to me, teased me, racist against me, racist against my family my attitudes tend to be untrusting, skeptical, uncaring and blunt.
3. I only hold value in being a spiritual person even though I have many things, everything I own could at any point be taken away, lost or stolen.
4. I dont like materialistic people and I dont have many friends because of this because most people are materialistic these days and I find it sad and pathetic. They can have all the money in the world and all the cars and properties but the hard life is the most beautiful life and the harder it is to get something the more sweet it is no mater its worth to others.
5. I know from my life experiences that I can never expect anyone to care about me, to like me, to repay me or to help me. When I was 16 I ran away when I was at school because this girl said a bunch of obsenities at me because she new my mom was Jewish, I wanted to beat her and looking back I think I should have but instead I just ran out of school and kept running from the adrenaline until I was so far away I didnt know where I was anymore. I lived on the streets for a couple weeks (not too sure of how long) and the longer I stayed gone the more scared I was to go home. Eventually the only people willing to give me a second look or give me a place to stay were only people that want to use you.
6. I hate people that look at me and put judgements on me for what I look like because they could never even imagine the crap I have been through in my life or how many times I have come close to dying. I dont think I could list all the times but here goes:
When I was 13 I was riding down Braddock Rd on my bike and got hit by a car.
I was raped when I was 14 I guess I'm lucky he didnt also kill me or give me and STD. My daughter is nine years old now and adopted.
I tried to kill myself when my parents forced me to give her up for adoption. I went to the hospital and was in a coma for a couple days.
I ended up being medicated with anti-depressants and sleeping pills, the pharmacist read the prescription wrong gave me a wrong medication. The medication he gave me almost killed me.
I was lucky not to die when I was living on the streets and I won't even go into the details of that experience.
Not likely to have died from it but it was very painful, I had a kidney stone the size of a skittle when I was almost 17.
7. I am very quickly and angry and enraged person when someone tries to tell me what to do or what to do or what they think I should do. I will decide for myself what I will do and how I will react to a situation and anyone that gets in my way better think twice.
8. If my daughters life was at risk I would kill anyone to save her. I hope that none of my kids will ever go through anything like what I did growing up.
9. I legally changed my full name (first, middle and last) when I was 20 so that hopefully no one from my past will ever be able to find me.
10. I hate to show emotions in front of anyone even people that I'm close to and I feel embaressed to cry in front of anyone. I think thats why Im so angry because of all the supressed emotions that want to get out.
14. Although my outward attitude towards people is like a wall I am very very sensitive person and when I see someone else suffering I can really feel like I am suffering too and I very much can feel and understand their pain.
15. I have been married for five years now and our daughter is three years old. I have spent all this time at home raising her. I was in the Marine Corps for two years and got out because I wanted to be a stay at home mom, no one else can raise my kids for me. Being married is very hard especially to a person from a completely different culture. I've been to India three times now with my husband and do not wish to go again...except to tourist places and stay in hotels. But having been there has giving me great appreciation for America and I am very very thankful that I was born in the USA.
16. Technology is evil. And it is killing humanity and it is killing our planet.
18. I always pray for anyone that I've had a relationship with (ex-boyfriends)(old friends) that their lives will be fullfilling and that they will be happy.
Improving my self-concept:
I hope to take away from this class a better attitude towards people. Maybe I could learn to be more trusting of others. I really hope to at least be a better conversationalist for the sake of being a good personal trainer some day.
2. People that I have met over my lifetime have helped me to form my outward attitude towards others. Since most of my life people have been mean to me, teased me, racist against me, racist against my family my attitudes tend to be untrusting, skeptical, uncaring and blunt.
3. I only hold value in being a spiritual person even though I have many things, everything I own could at any point be taken away, lost or stolen.
4. I dont like materialistic people and I dont have many friends because of this because most people are materialistic these days and I find it sad and pathetic. They can have all the money in the world and all the cars and properties but the hard life is the most beautiful life and the harder it is to get something the more sweet it is no mater its worth to others.
5. I know from my life experiences that I can never expect anyone to care about me, to like me, to repay me or to help me. When I was 16 I ran away when I was at school because this girl said a bunch of obsenities at me because she new my mom was Jewish, I wanted to beat her and looking back I think I should have but instead I just ran out of school and kept running from the adrenaline until I was so far away I didnt know where I was anymore. I lived on the streets for a couple weeks (not too sure of how long) and the longer I stayed gone the more scared I was to go home. Eventually the only people willing to give me a second look or give me a place to stay were only people that want to use you.
6. I hate people that look at me and put judgements on me for what I look like because they could never even imagine the crap I have been through in my life or how many times I have come close to dying. I dont think I could list all the times but here goes:
When I was 13 I was riding down Braddock Rd on my bike and got hit by a car.
I was raped when I was 14 I guess I'm lucky he didnt also kill me or give me and STD. My daughter is nine years old now and adopted.
I tried to kill myself when my parents forced me to give her up for adoption. I went to the hospital and was in a coma for a couple days.
I ended up being medicated with anti-depressants and sleeping pills, the pharmacist read the prescription wrong gave me a wrong medication. The medication he gave me almost killed me.
I was lucky not to die when I was living on the streets and I won't even go into the details of that experience.
Not likely to have died from it but it was very painful, I had a kidney stone the size of a skittle when I was almost 17.
7. I am very quickly and angry and enraged person when someone tries to tell me what to do or what to do or what they think I should do. I will decide for myself what I will do and how I will react to a situation and anyone that gets in my way better think twice.
8. If my daughters life was at risk I would kill anyone to save her. I hope that none of my kids will ever go through anything like what I did growing up.
9. I legally changed my full name (first, middle and last) when I was 20 so that hopefully no one from my past will ever be able to find me.
10. I hate to show emotions in front of anyone even people that I'm close to and I feel embaressed to cry in front of anyone. I think thats why Im so angry because of all the supressed emotions that want to get out.
14. Although my outward attitude towards people is like a wall I am very very sensitive person and when I see someone else suffering I can really feel like I am suffering too and I very much can feel and understand their pain.
15. I have been married for five years now and our daughter is three years old. I have spent all this time at home raising her. I was in the Marine Corps for two years and got out because I wanted to be a stay at home mom, no one else can raise my kids for me. Being married is very hard especially to a person from a completely different culture. I've been to India three times now with my husband and do not wish to go again...except to tourist places and stay in hotels. But having been there has giving me great appreciation for America and I am very very thankful that I was born in the USA.
16. Technology is evil. And it is killing humanity and it is killing our planet.
18. I always pray for anyone that I've had a relationship with (ex-boyfriends)(old friends) that their lives will be fullfilling and that they will be happy.
Improving my self-concept:
I hope to take away from this class a better attitude towards people. Maybe I could learn to be more trusting of others. I really hope to at least be a better conversationalist for the sake of being a good personal trainer some day.
Friday, July 2, 2010
CST-126 (first blog Intro)
My name is Natasha and I'm going to NVCC to get my personal training certificate. I have been married for five years now and spent the past three years at home raising my youngest daughter Noora. My husband is from Hodal, Haryana India. I have visited with him three times, the first time we went I was pregnant with our daughter and we actually went around tourist parts of the country like Rajasthan and Goa. The third time we went together, just this past winter we had a big fight and I left a month earlier than the original tickets with our daughter and I didnt think that he'd be coming back to the U.S. again. So now I decided that I need to have some kind of education to get a decent job to support myself so when the day does come that he leaves us I can take care of myself.
I was in the Marine Corps the first two years of our marriage which is why I have the tatoos on my arm and back, Aviation electrician was my MOS. Before that I worked in a dog kennel when I was 17 and 18 I also tried to attend NOVA back then too but I couldnt get decent grades while working a full time job so eventually I coulnt do it anymore and that's when I joined the Marine Corps. And my parents also kicked me out because they said I couldnt stay with them if I could not at lease maintain a C average.
I was in the Marine Corps the first two years of our marriage which is why I have the tatoos on my arm and back, Aviation electrician was my MOS. Before that I worked in a dog kennel when I was 17 and 18 I also tried to attend NOVA back then too but I couldnt get decent grades while working a full time job so eventually I coulnt do it anymore and that's when I joined the Marine Corps. And my parents also kicked me out because they said I couldnt stay with them if I could not at lease maintain a C average.
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